Feeling Down

I am having one of those days where nothing seems to be going as it should. All I want to do today is cry. Cry for the loss of contact with my daughter, cry for the loss of my own home, cry just to cry. I know that crying does no one any good, for me it only aggravates the headache I have had for days now and only makes it so hard to breathe due to the congestion it causes. But I just can't seem to convince myself to stop. I can't seem to find any happiness.

I feel so alone in my loss of my relationship with Beth. I often question what could I have done differently. I look at my sisters with their daughters, I see problems but I don't see the same harshness that seems to plague Beth and me. At times I am okay with not talking to her because it means there is a calmness in the house, but that only lasts for a short time because then the sadness takes over. I realize that I have made mistakes with her and that I could have done things differently but I am human, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I certainly have. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I don't know that even that would help. I can only hope and pray that Beth will realize that parents are falible and that we are learning at the same time that our children are. I pray she will see that more than anything I Love Her and only want the best for her and most of all...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER.

As for being sad about not having my own home...where do I begin. First I need to say I love my family! But after living away from them for more than 20 years, this has been the most trying time of my life. I love being here to help Mom and Dad but at times I feel so in the way. I don't know if anyone will understand without feeling hurt, but I feel like I am losing me. I pray things will change fast before I totally fall apart and like Humpty Dumpty, I can't be put back together again.