Goodbye THS and Trinidad

Graduation is done! May 17, 2009 we watched our daughter walk across the floor to receive her diploma from Trinidad High. It was a bittersweet moment for both of us. We were thrilled to see her complete her high school education but it means the end of her youth. There are several other factors that go along with this milestone. Most of you know about the problems we have been having with Elizabeth in the past year, many of which have been compounded with our move back to Aurora 6 months ago and her 18th birthday in January. She continues to tell us, not in specific words, but with innuendos, that we are not wanted in her life, yet when something big happens she comes running to us first. This is such a hard thing to deal with, I want to take her in my arms when things happen and just hold her but she pushes me away. So I have come to the conclusion that I must stay away, take the news at a distance and wish her all the best. I was able to hug her and tell her congratulations on her graduation and I told her I love her but the reception from her was very cold. Take it and move on..I told myself. The news of her engagement was a shock to a point but was also expected at sometime within this year of graduation. So I took it with shock the night before graduation when they came to our hotel to tell us, wishing them nothing but happiness which is what every parent wants for their child. The next day I was over my shock enough to go to her party and wish them both the best and to welcome Derek into the family. Going to take some time to get used to saying son-in-law and at least for now I can say she is not pregnant. She does have a job lined up and will begin working soon, I even know and respect her boss, so I am proud of her for doing this as much as I am proud of her for graduating.

We will be saying our final goodbyes to Trinidad this next weekend when we take a moving truck down to retrieve our household goods which have been storage there since the move to Aurora. We have been approved for and will close on a 16x80 ft single wide mobile home in eastern Aurora this week. Though David still does not have a job and I only have my part-time job, we did get a partial increase from the VA which is enough to live on. The mobile home is pre-owned and in good shape, not our dream home but is much better than continuing to live in my parents 5th wheel. We are going to live in this place for at least a year to see if our credit scores improve to purchase something more like what we want. For now, it is 3 bedrooms - one for each of the boys, 2 baths and more square footage than we have had in quite a while. The best part is the laundry room that is so large we can put our freezer in there along with the washer and dryer and still have room to move comfortably. I will take some photos this week when we do our walk through and post them soon.

Thank you everyone who reads this blog and keeps us in your prayers. We will continue to pray for all of you. God Bless everyone!!

Mother's Day 2009

I had really been dreading this day, due to all the problems with Beth. But I have to say, it has been one of the very best Mother's Days I have ever had. First, the tradition on breakfast with my Mom kicked off the day at 9 am. We take our Mom and our kids come along to treat us. So, breakfast for 12 was great. All of us got flowers from our mom and I had one from my boys. There was also a gift from Mom and one from the boys. The made me laugh and cry at the same time with the cards they chose. Then after breakfast we took pictures which I will post later when I get some time. Then the boys treated for me to have a pedicure for the very first time. Turns out that my sister's children were treating them and the grandkids split up the charges for their grandmother to get not only a pedicure but a manicure as well. Then my boys wanted to take their grandmother and I to a movie. We took a raincheck on that as there is nothing that she and I wanted to see at this time. Then we got home to dinner cooking for us. So all in all a great day. I missed you Beth and I hope you had a good day with Marlene.

Happy Mother's Day all and God Bless!

Realizations

As I read the newest blog posting from an online friend, The Hawn Family Weekly, I came to the realization that the problems I have been experiencing with my daughter pale in comparison to the trials this young family is facing. They have two children, both born prematurely and both with problems that many premies face. They have endured by Faith to get their first born, Charlotte to the age of 2. She still has many problems with blood pressure, walking, and her heart but she seems to be catching up to other 2 year olds quickly. I have watched her go from a very sick little one to a cute little bundle of joy for her parents.

Just three months ago, this family faced the birth of another little one, this time a boy. Ryan was born prematurely but quickly moved out of the NICU to come home earlier than his sister did. He seemed to be doing so well until I read the new posting today. It seems Ryan has the same genetic abnormality that his sister does only it is much more severe for him. This little guy may not make it but his family has not given up and they are not turning their back on God!

If you read their posts you will see the strength of their Faith in each word. I know that no matter what happens, they will survive and they will be thanking God for every day they have with their children. That is what I should be doing instead of being depressed over Elizabeth's desire to live her own life without us, I should be celebrating and remembering all the time I have had with her. Then, if or when, she changes her mind to come back to our family, I will be that much more happy. Maybe by taking this direction, I will enjoy my boys more and I pray it will make me a better person towards everyone. I know I have been grumpy and depressed, but I am going to try this new approach and look ahead to the times with my boys and husband. I will be praying for Elizabeth when I pray for strength and patience.

Pray for me, David, James, Ben and Beth please, to be a family once again whenever God's plan allows. God Bless you all!

Time to let GO!

I have come to the conclusion that I must stop trying to help Elizabeth in any shape or form. She has asked many times for my advice but when I give it to her she just says I don't know what I am talking about or just plain ignores me. When she asks for help, I give it to her the best way I know how, but that does not suit her as it is not how she thinks I should have replied. If things are not done the way she thinks they should be done then she thinks I don't care. If I can't do things on her time table or schedule, then I am not making her a priority.

I have decided to sit back and do nothing but wait, to let her do things her way. I will always be here to listen and help but only when she really wants my help and in the manner in which I can help. For the time being, I pray God will give me the patience and the strength to endure. I also pray she will realize I am not the mean, selfish, uncaring person she thinks I am and come to understand I am doing things in the best way possible for the situation I am in.

I love you Beth and always will.

God Bless Everyone.

Feeling Down

I am having one of those days where nothing seems to be going as it should. All I want to do today is cry. Cry for the loss of contact with my daughter, cry for the loss of my own home, cry just to cry. I know that crying does no one any good, for me it only aggravates the headache I have had for days now and only makes it so hard to breathe due to the congestion it causes. But I just can't seem to convince myself to stop. I can't seem to find any happiness.

I feel so alone in my loss of my relationship with Beth. I often question what could I have done differently. I look at my sisters with their daughters, I see problems but I don't see the same harshness that seems to plague Beth and me. At times I am okay with not talking to her because it means there is a calmness in the house, but that only lasts for a short time because then the sadness takes over. I realize that I have made mistakes with her and that I could have done things differently but I am human, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I certainly have. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I don't know that even that would help. I can only hope and pray that Beth will realize that parents are falible and that we are learning at the same time that our children are. I pray she will see that more than anything I Love Her and only want the best for her and most of all...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER.

As for being sad about not having my own home...where do I begin. First I need to say I love my family! But after living away from them for more than 20 years, this has been the most trying time of my life. I love being here to help Mom and Dad but at times I feel so in the way. I don't know if anyone will understand without feeling hurt, but I feel like I am losing me. I pray things will change fast before I totally fall apart and like Humpty Dumpty, I can't be put back together again.

Ben Surgery Number 2

Ben is recovering very well from the first surgery. He will be going back to school next week when Spring Break is over.

His surgery on the left hip is scheduled of June 2nd. This will hopefully allow him enough time to recuperate in time to march in the marching season at Hinkley and possibly time to be ready to play soccer. Playing soccer is a bit doubtful as the doctor needs to see how well he recovers from this operation, but Lacrosse in the spring is a go.

Will keep you all posted on things go as they come up, until then, May God Bless you all each and everyday.

Right Hip done...

Ben had the surgery to correct the problem with his right hip on March 3 as scheduled. He was released from the hospital on March 4. It is now post op day 2 (March 5) and he seems to be doing well. He is having some pain, it didn't help that the pharmacy neglected to give me his pain meds when I picked up his prescription yesterday. They only gave me the refills for his inhalers and stomach meds, no pain meds for the first night home. Luckily, I have tylenol with codiene for my migraines. I called the doctor on call and asked if it would be okay to give him one since the meds he should have had were still at the pharmacy. Luckily, the doctor on call was the surgeon who assisted Ben's primary doctor and had written the prescriptions so I didn't have to give an entire history just for a few pills.

Today, Ben feels he may have overdone it with physical therapy yesterday and is taking it a bit easier today. He is sleeping and using the CPM (Constant Passive Motion) machine to keep his joints and muscles from stiffing up. The machine gently moves the leg from straight to 90 degrees bent for as long as Ben feels comfortable with it. He says he loves this machine because it keeps his knee from hurting being in one position so much. He still is not able to sit in a regular chair for longer than a few minutes. He must recline so that his body is not at the 90 degree angle most of us are supposed to sit at.

When he begins classes here at home next week, he will be sitting in a reclining wheelchair for the two hour session each day. He will also use the wheelchair when he returns to school in a few weeks since he will still be on crutches and limited on how much weight he can place on the leg. We have discussed this in great length, we all feel it is much safer for him to return to school in the chair since the floors are tile, there are over 1500 students in the halls for passing periods and too many chances for him to get knocked down.

The last few days have been such a blur, I had to check my computer today to know what day of the week it was. We were in Trinidad over the weekend to say our goodbyes to a very dear young man. Christian was only 9 years old when he passed away in February but this child knew that the Lord was with him. The family had such a loving and uplifting service for him, I don't think I have ever been to a more powerful service. I will never forget Christian and the love and smiles he brought to this world.

Will keep all of you posted when the next surgery for Ben is scheduled. Until there is more to report on anything going on in our lives...May God Bless each and everyone!!