I have come to the conclusion that I must stop trying to help Elizabeth in any shape or form. She has asked many times for my advice but when I give it to her she just says I don't know what I am talking about or just plain ignores me. When she asks for help, I give it to her the best way I know how, but that does not suit her as it is not how she thinks I should have replied. If things are not done the way she thinks they should be done then she thinks I don't care. If I can't do things on her time table or schedule, then I am not making her a priority.
I have decided to sit back and do nothing but wait, to let her do things her way. I will always be here to listen and help but only when she really wants my help and in the manner in which I can help. For the time being, I pray God will give me the patience and the strength to endure. I also pray she will realize I am not the mean, selfish, uncaring person she thinks I am and come to understand I am doing things in the best way possible for the situation I am in.
I love you Beth and always will.
God Bless Everyone.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Feeling Down
I am having one of those days where nothing seems to be going as it should. All I want to do today is cry. Cry for the loss of contact with my daughter, cry for the loss of my own home, cry just to cry. I know that crying does no one any good, for me it only aggravates the headache I have had for days now and only makes it so hard to breathe due to the congestion it causes. But I just can't seem to convince myself to stop. I can't seem to find any happiness.
I feel so alone in my loss of my relationship with Beth. I often question what could I have done differently. I look at my sisters with their daughters, I see problems but I don't see the same harshness that seems to plague Beth and me. At times I am okay with not talking to her because it means there is a calmness in the house, but that only lasts for a short time because then the sadness takes over. I realize that I have made mistakes with her and that I could have done things differently but I am human, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I certainly have. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I don't know that even that would help. I can only hope and pray that Beth will realize that parents are falible and that we are learning at the same time that our children are. I pray she will see that more than anything I Love Her and only want the best for her and most of all...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER.
As for being sad about not having my own home...where do I begin. First I need to say I love my family! But after living away from them for more than 20 years, this has been the most trying time of my life. I love being here to help Mom and Dad but at times I feel so in the way. I don't know if anyone will understand without feeling hurt, but I feel like I am losing me. I pray things will change fast before I totally fall apart and like Humpty Dumpty, I can't be put back together again.
I feel so alone in my loss of my relationship with Beth. I often question what could I have done differently. I look at my sisters with their daughters, I see problems but I don't see the same harshness that seems to plague Beth and me. At times I am okay with not talking to her because it means there is a calmness in the house, but that only lasts for a short time because then the sadness takes over. I realize that I have made mistakes with her and that I could have done things differently but I am human, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I certainly have. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I don't know that even that would help. I can only hope and pray that Beth will realize that parents are falible and that we are learning at the same time that our children are. I pray she will see that more than anything I Love Her and only want the best for her and most of all...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER.
As for being sad about not having my own home...where do I begin. First I need to say I love my family! But after living away from them for more than 20 years, this has been the most trying time of my life. I love being here to help Mom and Dad but at times I feel so in the way. I don't know if anyone will understand without feeling hurt, but I feel like I am losing me. I pray things will change fast before I totally fall apart and like Humpty Dumpty, I can't be put back together again.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Ben Surgery Number 2
Ben is recovering very well from the first surgery. He will be going back to school next week when Spring Break is over.
His surgery on the left hip is scheduled of June 2nd. This will hopefully allow him enough time to recuperate in time to march in the marching season at Hinkley and possibly time to be ready to play soccer. Playing soccer is a bit doubtful as the doctor needs to see how well he recovers from this operation, but Lacrosse in the spring is a go.
Will keep you all posted on things go as they come up, until then, May God Bless you all each and everyday.
His surgery on the left hip is scheduled of June 2nd. This will hopefully allow him enough time to recuperate in time to march in the marching season at Hinkley and possibly time to be ready to play soccer. Playing soccer is a bit doubtful as the doctor needs to see how well he recovers from this operation, but Lacrosse in the spring is a go.
Will keep you all posted on things go as they come up, until then, May God Bless you all each and everyday.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Right Hip done...
Ben had the surgery to correct the problem with his right hip on March 3 as scheduled. He was released from the hospital on March 4. It is now post op day 2 (March 5) and he seems to be doing well. He is having some pain, it didn't help that the pharmacy neglected to give me his pain meds when I picked up his prescription yesterday. They only gave me the refills for his inhalers and stomach meds, no pain meds for the first night home. Luckily, I have tylenol with codiene for my migraines. I called the doctor on call and asked if it would be okay to give him one since the meds he should have had were still at the pharmacy. Luckily, the doctor on call was the surgeon who assisted Ben's primary doctor and had written the prescriptions so I didn't have to give an entire history just for a few pills.
Today, Ben feels he may have overdone it with physical therapy yesterday and is taking it a bit easier today. He is sleeping and using the CPM (Constant Passive Motion) machine to keep his joints and muscles from stiffing up. The machine gently moves the leg from straight to 90 degrees bent for as long as Ben feels comfortable with it. He says he loves this machine because it keeps his knee from hurting being in one position so much. He still is not able to sit in a regular chair for longer than a few minutes. He must recline so that his body is not at the 90 degree angle most of us are supposed to sit at.
When he begins classes here at home next week, he will be sitting in a reclining wheelchair for the two hour session each day. He will also use the wheelchair when he returns to school in a few weeks since he will still be on crutches and limited on how much weight he can place on the leg. We have discussed this in great length, we all feel it is much safer for him to return to school in the chair since the floors are tile, there are over 1500 students in the halls for passing periods and too many chances for him to get knocked down.
The last few days have been such a blur, I had to check my computer today to know what day of the week it was. We were in Trinidad over the weekend to say our goodbyes to a very dear young man. Christian was only 9 years old when he passed away in February but this child knew that the Lord was with him. The family had such a loving and uplifting service for him, I don't think I have ever been to a more powerful service. I will never forget Christian and the love and smiles he brought to this world.
Will keep all of you posted when the next surgery for Ben is scheduled. Until there is more to report on anything going on in our lives...May God Bless each and everyone!!
Today, Ben feels he may have overdone it with physical therapy yesterday and is taking it a bit easier today. He is sleeping and using the CPM (Constant Passive Motion) machine to keep his joints and muscles from stiffing up. The machine gently moves the leg from straight to 90 degrees bent for as long as Ben feels comfortable with it. He says he loves this machine because it keeps his knee from hurting being in one position so much. He still is not able to sit in a regular chair for longer than a few minutes. He must recline so that his body is not at the 90 degree angle most of us are supposed to sit at.
When he begins classes here at home next week, he will be sitting in a reclining wheelchair for the two hour session each day. He will also use the wheelchair when he returns to school in a few weeks since he will still be on crutches and limited on how much weight he can place on the leg. We have discussed this in great length, we all feel it is much safer for him to return to school in the chair since the floors are tile, there are over 1500 students in the halls for passing periods and too many chances for him to get knocked down.
The last few days have been such a blur, I had to check my computer today to know what day of the week it was. We were in Trinidad over the weekend to say our goodbyes to a very dear young man. Christian was only 9 years old when he passed away in February but this child knew that the Lord was with him. The family had such a loving and uplifting service for him, I don't think I have ever been to a more powerful service. I will never forget Christian and the love and smiles he brought to this world.
Will keep all of you posted when the next surgery for Ben is scheduled. Until there is more to report on anything going on in our lives...May God Bless each and everyone!!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Not Much Happening Lately
I realized I have not posted anything to my blog in a few weeks. There has not been much happening with our family. Ben continues to have increasing pain in his legs and hips, so he's on more Tylenol for now. The surgery to correct the problem with his hips is still scheduled for March 3 only now it will be at 11:30 am not 7:30 am. He will have the MRI of his back and his hips on February 26th, this will take several hours as they also want to do a complete bone scan. They are looking for any other problems in the hips and for a stress fracture to the back that the hip problem may have caused. If they find a stress fracture in the back then we will be seeing Neurosurgeon to determine what they will have to do to fix this.
My job hunt is temporarily on hold so that I can care for Ben. David is still looking but still nothing good to report. James is also looking for a job until this summer when he will be taking a few classes at Aurora Community College and then back to full-time in the fall. We visited with Elizabeth last week and she is doing very well. She is talking to us again but on her own terms. She has a cell phone but will not give us the number for now. We either leave a message at school for her to call us or one with Derek's Dad. We only call when there is something really important like her brother's surgery. She seems happy and our conversations are much more calm, I really like this, although I really miss talking to her everyday or seeing her.
Mom is doing well, she will be having another MRI this week to check the status of the Chiari malformation, then she will see the Neurosurgeon again for an update on what they must do. We continue to pray that surgery will not be necessary. Dad is still waiting on the doctors to determine when he must have surgery on his knee, he has had problems for years, but nothing serious. The rest of the family, Michelle and her kids, Jenni and family, and Tanya & Emma seem to be doing well also. We don't see them much but more than we ever did while living in Trinidad.
God Bless Everyone and drop us a line sometime at zehrfamily@msn.com.
My job hunt is temporarily on hold so that I can care for Ben. David is still looking but still nothing good to report. James is also looking for a job until this summer when he will be taking a few classes at Aurora Community College and then back to full-time in the fall. We visited with Elizabeth last week and she is doing very well. She is talking to us again but on her own terms. She has a cell phone but will not give us the number for now. We either leave a message at school for her to call us or one with Derek's Dad. We only call when there is something really important like her brother's surgery. She seems happy and our conversations are much more calm, I really like this, although I really miss talking to her everyday or seeing her.
Mom is doing well, she will be having another MRI this week to check the status of the Chiari malformation, then she will see the Neurosurgeon again for an update on what they must do. We continue to pray that surgery will not be necessary. Dad is still waiting on the doctors to determine when he must have surgery on his knee, he has had problems for years, but nothing serious. The rest of the family, Michelle and her kids, Jenni and family, and Tanya & Emma seem to be doing well also. We don't see them much but more than we ever did while living in Trinidad.
God Bless Everyone and drop us a line sometime at zehrfamily@msn.com.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Ben is having surgery
Ben will be having surgery to correct a problem with his hips. He has Femoral Acetbular Impingement (FAI) also know as Athlete's Hip. This is a condition of too much friction in the hip joint, basically the ball and socket rub abnormally creating damage to the hip joint. There are three types of conditions with FAI, he has the cam form which is articular cartilage which forms on the surface of the femur creating a buldge. This buldge is interfering with the normal movement of his hips and causing pain.
The doctors will have to go in much like doing hip replacement surgery, that is they will have to go in, remove the bone from the socket, check the socket for damage, shave off the extra cartilage and then put everything back together. It will take 2-3 hours for the entire process, he will be on crutches for 6-8 weeks, but should be back to top form in time to play soccer in the fall.
They will be doing the right hip first then about 8 weeks later they will do the left one. They can't do both at once due to not being able to walk with any weight on the one leg for 6-8 weeks. Ben is looking forward to getting rid of the pain from the hips but not the pain or recovery from the surgery. He will be home for about 2-3 weeks then we will send him back to school in a wheelchair as it is too dangerous to attend high school on crutches with not much weight bearing on the one leg.
Surgery is scheduled for March 3 at 7:30 am at The Children's Hospital in Aurora. He will be in the hospital about a week. Since we have been through most of the surgery procedures and recovery with David, we should have an easy time helping Ben with his.
Please keep all of us but especially Ben in your thoughts and prayers. God Bless Everyone!
The doctors will have to go in much like doing hip replacement surgery, that is they will have to go in, remove the bone from the socket, check the socket for damage, shave off the extra cartilage and then put everything back together. It will take 2-3 hours for the entire process, he will be on crutches for 6-8 weeks, but should be back to top form in time to play soccer in the fall.
They will be doing the right hip first then about 8 weeks later they will do the left one. They can't do both at once due to not being able to walk with any weight on the one leg for 6-8 weeks. Ben is looking forward to getting rid of the pain from the hips but not the pain or recovery from the surgery. He will be home for about 2-3 weeks then we will send him back to school in a wheelchair as it is too dangerous to attend high school on crutches with not much weight bearing on the one leg.
Surgery is scheduled for March 3 at 7:30 am at The Children's Hospital in Aurora. He will be in the hospital about a week. Since we have been through most of the surgery procedures and recovery with David, we should have an easy time helping Ben with his.
Please keep all of us but especially Ben in your thoughts and prayers. God Bless Everyone!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Aunt Fran
My Aunt Fran is in the end stages of Emphysema. We just returned from her home in Jefferson, Texas. Mom, Dad, Michelle, Chelsea, Chance, Ben, James and I went to say our goodbyes. When we started out for Texas last week, none of thought she would even last until we got there. She sure surprised everyone, she woke up one day and said "I want to go home." From that point on things went into full swing to get hospice arranged, a hospital bed at home and to get her out of the hospital after almost two weeks. She came home on Friday, stayed in the bed all weekend, but today Mom says she was sitting up in a chair. Isn't God amazing, he truly listens and answers prayer. Mom says she and Dad will be leaving for home on Friday this week, they feel that they are no longer needed at this time. They had stayed since Aunt Fran is Dad's sister and he wanted to have the extra time alone with her, but there are so many others around to help. This feisty lady may surprise us all again and live for many more weeks, months or years, only God knows for sure. Until the time comes, we will be praying for God's will in whatever may come.
Goodnight all and God Bless.
Goodnight all and God Bless.
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