I have come to the conclusion that I must stop trying to help Elizabeth in any shape or form. She has asked many times for my advice but when I give it to her she just says I don't know what I am talking about or just plain ignores me. When she asks for help, I give it to her the best way I know how, but that does not suit her as it is not how she thinks I should have replied. If things are not done the way she thinks they should be done then she thinks I don't care. If I can't do things on her time table or schedule, then I am not making her a priority.
I have decided to sit back and do nothing but wait, to let her do things her way. I will always be here to listen and help but only when she really wants my help and in the manner in which I can help. For the time being, I pray God will give me the patience and the strength to endure. I also pray she will realize I am not the mean, selfish, uncaring person she thinks I am and come to understand I am doing things in the best way possible for the situation I am in.
I love you Beth and always will.
God Bless Everyone.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Feeling Down
I am having one of those days where nothing seems to be going as it should. All I want to do today is cry. Cry for the loss of contact with my daughter, cry for the loss of my own home, cry just to cry. I know that crying does no one any good, for me it only aggravates the headache I have had for days now and only makes it so hard to breathe due to the congestion it causes. But I just can't seem to convince myself to stop. I can't seem to find any happiness.
I feel so alone in my loss of my relationship with Beth. I often question what could I have done differently. I look at my sisters with their daughters, I see problems but I don't see the same harshness that seems to plague Beth and me. At times I am okay with not talking to her because it means there is a calmness in the house, but that only lasts for a short time because then the sadness takes over. I realize that I have made mistakes with her and that I could have done things differently but I am human, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I certainly have. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I don't know that even that would help. I can only hope and pray that Beth will realize that parents are falible and that we are learning at the same time that our children are. I pray she will see that more than anything I Love Her and only want the best for her and most of all...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER.
As for being sad about not having my own home...where do I begin. First I need to say I love my family! But after living away from them for more than 20 years, this has been the most trying time of my life. I love being here to help Mom and Dad but at times I feel so in the way. I don't know if anyone will understand without feeling hurt, but I feel like I am losing me. I pray things will change fast before I totally fall apart and like Humpty Dumpty, I can't be put back together again.
I feel so alone in my loss of my relationship with Beth. I often question what could I have done differently. I look at my sisters with their daughters, I see problems but I don't see the same harshness that seems to plague Beth and me. At times I am okay with not talking to her because it means there is a calmness in the house, but that only lasts for a short time because then the sadness takes over. I realize that I have made mistakes with her and that I could have done things differently but I am human, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I certainly have. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I don't know that even that would help. I can only hope and pray that Beth will realize that parents are falible and that we are learning at the same time that our children are. I pray she will see that more than anything I Love Her and only want the best for her and most of all...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER.
As for being sad about not having my own home...where do I begin. First I need to say I love my family! But after living away from them for more than 20 years, this has been the most trying time of my life. I love being here to help Mom and Dad but at times I feel so in the way. I don't know if anyone will understand without feeling hurt, but I feel like I am losing me. I pray things will change fast before I totally fall apart and like Humpty Dumpty, I can't be put back together again.
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