April 2011 Thoughts

April is almost gone and I see it is time to post my thoughts for the month. Yesterday we celebrated James' 22nd birthday, where have the years gone? It only seems like yesterday that he was toddling around here taking things apart and sucking his thumb. I miss those days and yet I love that he is grown and on his own, graduating in a few weeks with his Associates Degree in Medical Assisting, I also love that he and Brittany are planning their wedding for next year, she is going to be a great addition to our family.

April also brought about the graduation from high school for Ben. He completed his GED requirements, passed the tests and got his diploma. He did all this in less than a week and with better than average scores. He even got a certificate from College America for passing the tests in less than a week. Then he started college classes right away, taking Graphic Design. He kept his promise to me months ahead of schedule. I am so proud of him! When the family got together for Easter, we had a graduation celebration at the same time for him. He loved it, he even got some gifts!

We got news from Elizabeth, she and Derek have set a date for their wedding, May 19, 2012! We are happy for them and are planning to be there to give our daughter away. Ben has been asked to be a part of the wedding party and has agreed. We are happy to be adding another son to our expanding family! Next year is going to be really busy with two weddings!

May God Bless everyone who reads my rantings!

March Thoughts

It has been a few months since I posted anything so I thought I should say something.....SOMETHING...LOL!!!

Life has been good or than an occasional bump. I have gotten to the level where my doctor wants me to be for my medication for now that is to help with my migraines. For now it seems to be helping like it should, when I take it every day like I should. I have found if I miss a day, I will have a severe headache the next day, so I am trying to make sure I do not miss a day. I am still taking care of Brooklyn every day and enjoying it, she is such a joy. She makes me so anxious to have grandchildren and yet I can wait for the kids to finish college.

James should be finished with the first part of his degree in June and be ready to test to be a Certified Medical Assistant, then hopefully on to Nursing school. Brittany will have another year to finish her degree in Nursing Business Management.

Ben has had a bit of a set back in his high school, seems Aurora Public schools did not calculate his credits correctly and did not set his schedule up properly to keep him on track to graduate in May. So he must attend another semester and not graduate until December of 2011 or May of 2012 depending on his choice of classes and if he wants to get in some college classes or not. With the fact he is 18, he can make this decision all on his own and may decide to just get his GED and go on to college sooner instead of waiting to finish traditional high school. It does concern me a bit but what can I do when he is 18 and he does have a mind of his own, he has the right to make his own decisions about his life, I have to realize this and accept it.

Our home is fast becoming an empty nest, it is nice at times and at times it is very lonely. I like being able to do what I want, when I want but I also miss being able to spend the time with my kids, but after all, they aren't kids anymore, I have to remember that.

Time to let GO!

I have come to the conclusion that I must stop trying to help Elizabeth in any shape or form. She has asked many times for my advice but when I give it to her she just says I don't know what I am talking about or just plain ignores me. When she asks for help, I give it to her the best way I know how, but that does not suit her as it is not how she thinks I should have replied. If things are not done the way she thinks they should be done then she thinks I don't care. If I can't do things on her time table or schedule, then I am not making her a priority.

I have decided to sit back and do nothing but wait, to let her do things her way. I will always be here to listen and help but only when she really wants my help and in the manner in which I can help. For the time being, I pray God will give me the patience and the strength to endure. I also pray she will realize I am not the mean, selfish, uncaring person she thinks I am and come to understand I am doing things in the best way possible for the situation I am in.

I love you Beth and always will.

God Bless Everyone.

Feeling Down

I am having one of those days where nothing seems to be going as it should. All I want to do today is cry. Cry for the loss of contact with my daughter, cry for the loss of my own home, cry just to cry. I know that crying does no one any good, for me it only aggravates the headache I have had for days now and only makes it so hard to breathe due to the congestion it causes. But I just can't seem to convince myself to stop. I can't seem to find any happiness.

I feel so alone in my loss of my relationship with Beth. I often question what could I have done differently. I look at my sisters with their daughters, I see problems but I don't see the same harshness that seems to plague Beth and me. At times I am okay with not talking to her because it means there is a calmness in the house, but that only lasts for a short time because then the sadness takes over. I realize that I have made mistakes with her and that I could have done things differently but I am human, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I certainly have. I wish I could go back and do things differently but I don't know that even that would help. I can only hope and pray that Beth will realize that parents are falible and that we are learning at the same time that our children are. I pray she will see that more than anything I Love Her and only want the best for her and most of all...I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER.

As for being sad about not having my own home...where do I begin. First I need to say I love my family! But after living away from them for more than 20 years, this has been the most trying time of my life. I love being here to help Mom and Dad but at times I feel so in the way. I don't know if anyone will understand without feeling hurt, but I feel like I am losing me. I pray things will change fast before I totally fall apart and like Humpty Dumpty, I can't be put back together again.

Enough

When is enough really enough?
What do I have to do to make things enough for others?
What do I have to give to make something enough for someone?
What do I have to sacrifice to make it enough?
I really wish someone could tell me what enough would be!
I pray God will tell me soon when enough is enough.

The New Year!

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009! I pray you will be nicer to me and my family than '08 was.

With all the turmoil in our lives since June 30, 2007, things have got to get better this year. We are now in a new (old) city. We are looking for new jobs. We are sleeping in a camper and sharing the use of the house with 5 other people for a total of 9 people in this house most of the time. Things are slowly turning around for us and I must be patient.

Please keep us in your prayers, David and Mom especially. Mom for her health and David that he will come out of the depression and other problems he has been dealing with. We pray for all our family and friends everyday and wish all God's Blessings everyday!

Family Happenings

Since the last time I posted, Ben has now been school for five weeks at Hinkley. He seems to be doing well, misses his friends of course, but he is making new ones. He has signed up to play Lacrosse during the winter season which involves practices thru the week with games on Saturdays. I look forward to watching him and learning more about the sport, it will be nice to see more than one or two games like I did when James played.

Beth seems to be settling in at Derek's home and with school. She has had a few problems with some of the girls at school but I think the plan that Mrs. Mason and Beth worked out for next semester will benefit all involved. She is going to be attending her core classes in the mornings and have the afternoons free, hopefully she will find a job so she can stay busy until graduation.

James is almost done with this first semester at TSJC (Trinidad State Junior College) and has applied at Aurora Community College for next semester. They should be able to transfer all his credits and financial information to ACC so that he can just come up here and enroll in classes in January. We haven't determined whether he will work or not when he gets here, I think it will depend on his class schedule and how much homework is involved.

David is finishing his semester at TSJC, then he will move up here to find a job. If things work out for him to go back to school part-time in the evenings then he will apply at ACC. First things first, he has to get a job. We have been sending him emails with some prospects, not sure what he has done about them. I do know that he has been so preoccupied with moving, cleaning and school that today, he backed into another car causing a dent in the door. Then of all things, he didn't leave his information for the person he just went off to school to take one of his finals. He arrived home to find a police officer waiting for him with two tickets. Now he has to face the judge to see if he can keep his license as one of the tickets was for leaving the scene of an accident and is 12 points. I pray he gets a really lenient judge that will forgive him.

Things are going slowly for me, I have posted my resume with several companies and have tried to get an appointment with the temporary agency but have not been able to speak with them or have them return my calls. I am not giving up! I have also put in some hours with my online company to help get some income coming in, but with all that I have to complete for moving, looking for a job and other things, I have moved slowly getting that done.

Gotta run and take care of things, God Bless you all!!

Tis the Season...

For our families this is not only the beginning of the holidays but it is also our birthday time of the year!

It all begins with my sister and brother-in-law's anniversary on Nov 19th...I know it is not a birthday, but it is a celebration! They have been married for four years! Then comes my Mother's birthday on Nov 24, Mark's (brother-in-law) on Nov 27, mine on Nov 28, a nephew's on Nov 30, Ed's (brother-in-law) on Dec 1, nephew's, father-in-law's and sister's on Dec 2 and finally David's is Dec 9. Then we have Christmas and Beth's birthday is Jan 26.

With all we have been thru it is nice to celebrate the happy things and try to forget the money and moving stresses.

We are getting settled in Aurora, still no job but more hope for one than we had in Trinidad. Still living with Mom and Dad, little crowded but getting by nicely.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! God Bless Everyone!

Here in Aurora

Ben and I have made our move to Aurora. We arrived yesterday afternoon. Last night we took some time to relax and unpack. We also watched my sisters bowl and played with Emma.

Today, I tried to register Ben in school. We arrived at the central registration office for Aurora Public Schools at 12pm only to find they were closed. Get this, for a large school district with one central registration office they are only open from 7:30 to 11 am each weekday. How lame is that! You have to register at this office, not at the schools. Things sure have changed from when I was in school and from the way things are done in Trinidad.

I looked at the Sunday classifieds that my Mom saved for me. I found a few jobs that I will call on or send resume's too. But I can tell you I AM SCARED! I have not face to face interviewed in over 10 years. I have not worked outside my home in an office or store or whatever in over 10 years. I have been an online Customer Service Rep for the last 3 years, so facing people again and trying to sell myself is frightening!!

It does not help the situation that I am here with only one of my three kids. I love Ben dearly and I am glad I am not here alone, but leaving Beth, James and David has been hard. Yes, David will be here in about 5 weeks but James has not decided what he will do. He may stay in Trinidad to finish his year at TSJC. Beth, of course, is staying there to graduate in May, seems like such a long time to be away from her. Whether we are fighting or not, I love her and wish we were in the same city.

Mom says, "stay busy you will get through" I know she is right but it is hard to do when you feel paralyzed with fear. I am praying many times during the day for God to show me the way and keep me strong. I know I can get through, just needed to vent.

God Bless everyone!

The Election

I have to agree with a friend of mine who said "Thank God there are only five days left!" She is referring to the election and the end of the endless phone calls, flyers, tv ads, etc. I have to say I am so ready for the phone to stop ringing. I hate picking it up to find a long pause and then someone's recorded message that they are calling for whatever candidate they are calling for. I have gone to hanging up before the first five words are out of their mouths. I can't stand it!!! I have also gone to recording most of my favorite tv shows on the DVR then watching them when they are done so I can fast forward thru the commercials and ads.

I have to agree with Jeanne that I would much rather vote for someone who doesn't really want the position as they would seem to be more normal. She also said she wishes we could go back to the times when politicians rode on trains or buses to campaign. AMEN!! Let's go back to that so we can all have some peaceful ad free nights to watch our favorite tv shows and listen to the radio ad free. I am also tired of all the flyers in my mail box, I hate junk mail!! If I had a fireplace it would be going 24 hours a day just burn all the political junk I get in my mail box. Boy what a savings that would be on my electric bill...LOL!!

Ok, enough ranting and back to enjoying the light at the end of the political campaign tunnel...remember only 5 more days!!

God Bless you all!! and may the best man win!!